There’s one thing no one really tells you about dealing with infertility and that is the never ending wait. What’s an even bigger secret is that wait and the worrying and the pain don’t end after you become pregnant. No, that is just the beginning.
On Friday March 9th, after a long 9 day wait we had heard the wonderful word’s “Your Pregnant!”. But of course it’s never really that simple. Our beta was on the lower side so we had to wait for monday to see if it would rise. As I wrote in my last post by the grace of god it had significantly! We were told no more beta’s and thus began the 11 day wait till our next significant milestone… the first ultrasound. Keeping myself busy during those 11 days was a challenge! Firstly, I honestly didn’t know what to think. I knew I was pregnant based on the two beta results, but I really felt like I needed a third to formally confirm. Leading up to my ultrasound I didn’t really experience any of the typical early pregnancy symptoms so it made me a bit worried. I had limited bloating, no real cramping, no nausea, some fatigue and no major new cravings (besides oreos and milk!).
When the big day finally came both Jason and I were anxious, me probably a bit more than him. I had woken up the morning of the ultrasound with one of those ‘bad feelings’ I just couldn’t seem to shake. My RE must have sensed it as she walked in the room because she immediately explained to me what would happen at today’s ultrasound knowing I wouldn’t be able to think clearly afterwards. She told me she would be looking for the following things:
- Is the pregnancy in the uterus or is it outside, also known as an ectopic pregnancy.
- Is there a gestational sac and does it contain a yolk.
- Is there an early fetal pole, and if so what is the crown to rump length.
- Is there an early heart beat and if so how many beats per minute is it.
As I laid on the table and awaited the image on the screen my heart was racing. I knew what to be looking for as I had researched what typical ultrasounds look like at 6 weeks. Jason on the other hand was flying blind and perhaps that was a gift. The second the image came up the screen my heart sank. I knew immediately something was wrong. While there was a gestational sac is was very small measuring barely 3mm. Based on my known gestation it really should have been somewhere closer to the ranges of 6 to 10mm.
My doctor’s tone immediately changed from one of positivity to a more clinical manner. She ended the ultrasound without giving us a picture and began the discussion of what this all means. Very matter of factly she told us that it was too small to tell if there was anything inside the gestational sac, that it was unlikely this pregnancy would be viable. We were given a 30% or less chance that it was just a ‘slow to grow’ embryo and that things would turn around over the next week. And just like that we were told the next week would be the hardest of our lives. We simply had to wait…wait to see if the baby continued to grow, wait to see if there was a heartbeat, wait to see if it was all over.
Naturally, I cried. I was devastated by the news. I knew in my heart that things did not look good. Jason, tried his best to remain positive. He focused on the 30% of hope. I knew better. I went home and began the mourning process. I cried, I begged, I asked ‘why me’ ‘why us’. And then after a long pity party, I decided to stop all the nonsense and focus on the positives. At least I had gotten pregnant, something I had once thought was impossible. There was still a small chance it was just ‘slow to grow’. Miracles happen every day if you believe. I had even found medical research articles that stated frozen embryo IVF babies tended to be ‘slow growers’ in utero up until about 12 weeks. I even had two friends who now had healthy living children tell me that they too had been given grim results at the first ultrasounds which went on to be healthy and successful pregnancies.
And so for the the next week I filled my mind with positive thoughts. I focused on all the hope I had for this life inside of me. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I surrounded myself with positive affirmations. I went to church and prayed some more. I looked to close friends and relatives for more hope and faith. And then I waited… You see the waiting never really ends. Infertility is a season of waiting. Time seems to stand still as you wait. Every moment feeling like a lifetime of wait. If you are in your own season of waiting. Just know you are not alone. Please reach out, I would be happy to support you through this challenging time. Because in these moments, sometimes all you can do is rest upon a friend.
Until next time, wishing you all lots of love, luck and baby dust!